


Learning to See

by xxMad_Donaxx



Series: Aftermath [1]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders is blinded and has to learn how to cope. </p>
<p>For Kmeme prompt:<br/>http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/9730.html?thread=39387906#t39387906</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I know the title sucks. Trust me, this one sucks a lot less than everything else I thought of. I need another WIP like I need a hole in the head but...what the hell. Apparently my muse is fickle. =/
> 
> I did some research and I'm not trying to step on any toes. If I have something offensive it's not meant to be.
> 
> Time frame is the three year gap between Act II and Act III.

“Makers breath,” Hawke said in a horrified whisper. “What is that?”

“A spider,” Aveline said dryly. “What else would it be?”

“What’s wrong with it though?” Hawke asked now sounding disgusted.

“It’s corrupted,” Anders said softly. “Be careful. There may be more of them or some darkspawn out here somewhere.”

They were currently on Sundermount, helping with another of Hawke’s endless errands. There were many other things he could be doing. He needed to study the texts he’d found recently and there was always the clinic but he was here instead. At least Fenris was out here playing exterminator with him.

“These are the creatures we search for?” Fenris said quietly from the other side of the trail where he stood with Hawke.

“Let’s hope so,” Hawke said pulling his bow.

Aveline and Fenris unsheathed their weapons and waited. Anders took a step away from the tree he stood next to and gathered flames between his hands. He launched the fireball at the spider as Hawke unleashed a flurry of arrows. The spider made a squealing noise as it was charred by the fireball and pinned to the ground. Four more spiders erupted from the nearby cave and the warriors charged.

Spells and arrows flew, swords sliced and Aveline knocked one senseless with her shield. It was quickly cut in half by Fenris’ large blade. Two more emerged into the chaos of the battlefield. Anders concentrated on his spells, throwing fire and lightening. He caught one of the spiders with an ice ball and it froze solid only to be shattered moments later by Aveline.

He wasn’t aware of the little spider skirting the warriors as it left the cave. Anders didn’t see it skittering to the tree he still stood close to. There was a shout of warning from Hawke and he finally saw the little spider as it leapt from the tree and landed on his face. Crying out in surprised disgust, he dropped his staff and brought his hands up quickly to fling it off of him. The little spider went flying but not before Anders felt its venom land in his eyes, across his nose and down one cheek.

Using his sleeves he quickly tried to wipe away the fluid. He sank to his knees with a pained grunt as he squeezed his eyes shut, still trying to wipe his face clean. Everywhere the venom had landed began burning.

“Hawke,” he cried out desperately. “Help me!”

There was a hand at his shoulder and he heard Hawke speaking frantically next to him. “Aveline, Fenris get over here! I need your water skins!”

“It burns,” said Anders shakily. “Don’t touch it.”

“I’m going to lay you down,” Hawke said moments before he felt himself being pushed gently backwards. “I’m going to try and rinse that stuff out of your eyes. Keep them open for as long as you can.”

Anders felt water cascading over his face and tried to open his eyes. He managed to keep them open for a bit. The last thing he saw before he couldn’t keep them open any longer was a fuzzy image of Fenris standing over him. Hawke poured the contents of all four of their water skins over his eyes and the burning sensation ebbed slowly away.

“Still with us, Anders?” Hawke asked when the feeling of water finally stopped.

“Yes,” he said. “I can’t open my eyes.”

“Sit up and help me get your coat off,” said Hawke calmly. “Can you heal it?”

“I’ll try,” said Anders.

He sat up and undid the buckles of his coat, shrugging out of it before attempting the spell. With his hands hovering over his face he cast the healing spell. The stinging across his nose and on his cheek faded away as well as the pain in his eyes. Slowly he lowered his hands and opened them. There were gasps from the three gathered around him but Anders already knew something was wrong. He could still see nothing.

“Maker no,” Hawke whispered breathily. “It’s like Bethany…in the Deep Roads…”

“And Wesley,” Aveline added grimly.

“Wardens can’t get the blight sickness,” he said tersely. “And I can’t see anything.”

“Your eyes…” Fenris said. There was a horrified quality to his voice that Anders didn’t like at all. “Their color is wrong…a pale blue…almost white…no pupil.”

“If you can’t get the blight then what’s wrong with your eyes?” Hawke asked.

“Bloody stupid spiders,” Anders said as he blinked rapidly then rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.

“Did your healing spell not work?” Aveline asked.

“Of course it worked,” Anders snapped turning to the sound of her voice. “I can’t heal what’s not there. The venom obviously ate away something vital and now I can’t see…I’m blind.”

Silence fell and Anders felt the first tendrils of fear close around him. He reached out with his hand, looking for contact with any of them. “Say something,” he said nervously when he felt nothing but air in front of him. His hand was taken by someone, Fenris because he could feel the lyrium lines against his palm. Another hand at his shoulder, gripping in quiet sympathy or horror, and he felt a little of the fear recede. At least he wasn’t alone in the darkness.

“I’m sorry Anders,” Hawke said guiltily.

“It’s not your fault,” said Anders quietly turning to the sound of his voice. The hand on his shoulder gripped tighter for a moment and he managed a small smile. “Your work is dangerous…we all know that. I guess my luck just ran out.”

“Let’s get back to Kirkwall,” Aveline said briskly. He could hear her stand and move away slightly.

“We should burn the bodies,” Anders said. “Those things were corrupted.”

Hawke’s hand on his shoulder disappeared and Fenris helped Anders to his feet. Moments later he felt wood being pressed into his other hand. “Your staff,” Hawke said. “Is there anything important in your coat pockets?”

“No,” Anders said closing his hand around the familiar length of his staff.

“Can you still cast magic?” Hawke asked sounding farther away from him.

“Yes. I just…don’t know where to aim it.”

“A fireball to your right about half a dozen feet from my voice,” said Hawke. “I’ve put your coat with the bodies. I’ll buy you a new one.”

Anders let the fire build in his hand after propping his staff against his chest. He was unwilling to let go of Fenris. Hawke made a continuous humming sound and he imagined the terrain in his head.

“Your line of sight is clear,” Fenris said quietly close to his ear.

He sent the small fireball on its way and heard the familiar sound of it landing and catching. Anders stood there, listening to the flames and holding onto Fenris’ hand tightly. The fear he’d felt earlier closed around him again when he realized his life was reduced to what he could touch and what he could hear.

“I should have stayed at home,” he mumbled softly.


	2. Chapter 2

The trip back to Kirkwall took longer than usual. Fenris had eventually convinced Anders to walk behind him, with his hand on his shoulder, after being snagged on several bushes and nearly walking off of the trail altogether. It took longer because Anders took small steps. That he couldn’t see where he was going was disconcerting.

It was almost a relief when Aveline announced that the city gates were in sight. At least he wouldn’t be kicking what felt like every rock on the mountain. As they walked closer his fear grew however. He’d spent many nights with Fenris but he still lived in Darktown. Anders wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle being alone right now but was equally unsure if he would be welcomed in Fenris’ decrepit mansion.

All four of them had been painfully silent all the way down Sundermount. If it weren’t for his grip on Fenris and hearing Aveline’s armor clanking it would be all too easy to think he was alone. It was odd to think a sound he had loathed hours before was now sort of comforting. He decided that he did not want to be alone. When the uneven ground beneath his feet became smooth and flat they stopped walking.

A hand gripped his shoulder and he guessed it was Aveline from the heavy feel of it. “Take care of yourself,” she said quietly. “I have to get back to the barracks. I’ll see you later.”

The hand disappeared as he snorted. “Right, see you later,” he muttered. “Very funny.”

“Anders,” Hawke said cautiously. “I think you should stay with me or Fenris for a while.”

“He is welcome with me,” Fenris said quietly.

Anders squeezed his shoulder and tried to smile. “I was thinking the same thing actually.”

“I’ll stop by tomorrow,” said Hawke. “Maybe…figure something out.” Anders nodded and felt Hawke grip his forearm. “I promise I’ll help however I can.”

“I know,” Anders said softly.

“Tomorrow then,” Hawke said and his hand disappeared.

“You should lower your eyes,” Fenris said softly. “We are already drawing attention.”

“All right,” he said.

As before, the trek to Fenris’ mansion took longer than it should have. He knew Fenris wouldn’t lead him into any objects but it was hard not to take smaller steps. Anders walked the whole way looking at his feet. Fenris warned him when they arrived at the stairs and getting up them didn’t take any longer than usual. He hoped he didn’t look too ridiculous at the top when he stumbled slightly.

Into the mansion, the door shut behind them, Anders noticed a slight difference in his sight. Outside it was like looking through a dark blindfold, a weird sort of uniform greyness without detail or color. The greyness became darker when he stepped inside. He looked around as Fenris led him up the stairs and into the large room he lived in. The subtle change in his vision again made him smile. The hole in the roof was letting in sunlight. He could make out a faint outline of the hole, where it was brightest, and his vision was a little less black.

“I’m going to lead you to the bed,” Fenris said softly.

“Wait,” Anders said.

Fenris didn’t move and he held out his hand, searching for anything close that might catch fire. Anders held his palm up and created flames. He let the fire build watching his hand and stopped when he could see another lighter patch of grey.

“What are you doing?” Fenris asked curiously.

“I can see this…sort of,” he said holding up his hand slightly before letting it die. “It’s just a patch that’s not quite as dark as the rest but...it’s something.”

“Come,” said Fenris softly. “Why didn’t you notice before?”

“Too bright I guess,” Anders said as he was led slowly to the back of the room.

When they stopped again, Fenris took his hand and said, “The bed is directly in front of you.”

Anders nodded and bent, searching with his free hand until he felt the blanket and the mattress beneath it. He reluctantly let go of Fenris’ hand to move his staff and sat carefully, slouching as he stared ahead. The elf was distressingly quiet, a presence in front of him.

“Fenris?” Anders said gripping his staff tightly.

“I’m here,” he said. “Will…you be alright…if I go to the kitchen?”

“Just, don’t be gone too long,” said Anders. “Dark and quiet…reminds me a little too much of solitary.”

There was a pause and he heard Fenris make an irritated sound. “I won’t be long,” he said shortly after.

Listening to his footsteps fade away, Anders turned his attention inward. Nothing to say, he thought. He could feel the spirit shift restlessly but he remained silent. Frowning as he shook his head, he propped the staff next to him. After months of wishing Justice would let him be, the silence in his head was disturbing.

He leaned over and found the laces on one of his boots. Unwinding the bandage took the longest but it was a simple matter to untie and pull them off. Tucking the bandage inside the boot it held together at the top, he pushed them a short way under the bed. Wiggling his toes and flexing his feet he sat up straight gripping the rough material of the blanket under him. It was quiet but he focused on what he could hear. The occasional popping sound from the house, a bird’s noisy caw as it flew close to the hole in the roof, the faint sounds of people walking by outside drifting in through the broken windows.

Even though he could hear them he felt disconnected. Set adrift in a familiar place that was no longer familiar simply because he couldn’t see it. The only things that seemed real were the blanket gripped tightly in his hand, his staff leaning next to him where it touched his thigh, the bed under him and the floor beneath his feet. He couldn’t go to the broken window and watch Fenris’ noble neighbors walk swiftly past the dilapidated and supposedly haunted mansion.

He turned his gaze back to the hole in the roof seeking anything to keep from floating away. The faint outline he saw before was fading as the sun was surely setting. Fenris was probably still in the kitchen, he hadn’t heard him return at any rate. A fire would need to be built soon but he sat on the bed. It would have been a simple thing this morning but now…

“It is simple,” Anders said aloud. “I know where the fireplace is. I know where the wood is. I just have to get there.”

Anders took a shaky breath and stood nervously. He kept a hold on his staff, feeling the edge of the bed at the back of one knee. Picturing the room in his mind, he turned toward the fireplace. Reluctantly he left the safety of the bed, shuffling his feet slowly along the floor with an arm stretched in front of him. There were chairs in front of the fireplace and he made his way slowly forward until his outstretched fingers felt the fuzzy material of the one Fenris liked to sit in.

Running his hand up the back and along the top, he shuffled around the table next to it. It was a short distance to the fireplace from here but he stopped with his hand resting lightly on the table top. He still held his staff, drawing comfort from its familiar feel. While he stood there he heard the door open but did not hear it shut.

“What are you doing?” Fenris asked cautiously.

“I’m going to lite the fire,” said Anders hating the way he sounded nervous and unsure.

“Let me…” he said irritably from the doorway.

“No,” Anders said shaking his head. “I have to get used to this…I don’t want to be dependent on you for everything. I can do this.” He closed his eyes for a moment and then smiled a little at the ridiculous gesture. “I can do this,” he said sounding a bit more confident.

He shuffled slowly forward until his hand struck the mantle, scooting sideways until it ended. Kneeling carefully he set his staff on the floor in front of him and felt around for the firewood. Taking a piece he dragged the end lightly on the wall until he found the indented section and set it carefully down. The process was repeated a few times and he scooted over. Anders stuck his fingers in the cold ash at the bottom of the fireplace to be sure the wood had ended up in the right spot.

The process of gathering the flames between his hands was as simple and easy as breathing, sending the flames the short distance to the wood as quick as a thought. Smiling as he listened to the flames crackle, he scooted backward dragging his staff with him.

“Stubborn mage,” Fenris said fondly from right next to him.

Anders jumped at his sudden proximity. He hadn’t heard the door shut or footsteps. “Don’t do that,” he huffed.

“Sorry,” Fenris said. He heard something being set next to him and he wiped his hands on his pants. “Here, the last apple. There’s bread and cheese on the plate next to you.”

“Simple…thanks,” Anders said quietly as he felt the apple placed in his outstretched hand.

“You’re welcome.”


	3. Chapter 3

Fenris hadn’t known what to expect. It was far from the first time he’d spent an evening with the mage. This wasn’t even the first time Anders had spent the night in his mansion or in his bed. Watching him light the fire they had sat in front of for the rest of the night had been heartening. Seeing him vulnerable in so many small ways was not.

Anders had sat closer to him than any time previously. Fenris had wondered at first but understood when the mage had kept touching him. It was subtle and he thought that Anders was probably unaware of it. Brushing the back of his hand lightly against his thigh, soft touches to his arm, eventually shifting so that their knees touched, Fenris hadn’t complained.

Outwardly his blindness didn’t seem to have affected Anders much but he knew it had. It was clear in the way his eyes kept shifting to the hole in the roof until the sun had finally set. Then he had stared at the fire, seeking that subtle change in vision he had described earlier. His staff had sat near them all evening. He hadn’t kept a hold on it all night but he frequently reached for it and even now it sat on the floor just under the bed with his boots.

They had spoken of safe things. It was hard to think of discussing mages and Tevinter slaves as safe but it was better than talking about what had happened. It was also much better than thinking about what this event would do to their already strange relationship. Anders had approached him shortly after Hawke’s mother had died. That was the first evening the mage had spent in the mansion.

Fenris had been reluctant to let him in but the mage’s persistence had eventually won. He had spent part of the evening sitting in his chair glaring at him as he sat in the other chair. In an effort to ease Hawke’s suffering Anders had offered a truce. He would listen to Fenris’ complaints if he would offer Anders the same courtesy. It was perhaps the most civil conversation that they had ever had up to that point.

That had been the beginning of many evenings spent in front of the fire talking with each other. It hadn’t been until a few months after the Arishok had been defeated that Anders began sleeping here after those long conversations. Anders had slept in one of the chairs while Fenris had slept in his bed at first. They had begun sharing his large bed after a while when it had been made clear that touching wouldn’t be tolerated by either of them. There was enough room in the bed for them to stay separate and sleeping in the chair was extremely uncomfortable. Fenris was almost glad Isabela had disappeared by that point. Varric had been curious enough.

Before today, Anders had been spending at least two nights a week here and sometimes more. Fenris wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about the dangerous abomination. Over the years they had both shared much of their history and understood each other better. That didn’t mean they agreed. They still held to their convictions but the hate that existed between them before was now mostly gone. Fenris tried hard to ignore what had sprung up in its place.

He hated seeing Anders vulnerable in any way. As if dealing with his demon wasn’t difficult enough for him, Anders now had a whole new set of worries. Fenris didn’t like the idea of him alone in his clinic or Darktown in general when he literally couldn’t see the dangers that surrounded him. The mage seemed blissfully unaware of them before today but Fenris knew he was perfectly capable of defending himself against them. Now it would be altogether too easy to sneak up on him.

When bedtime had come, the only difference at first was Fenris leading Anders to the bed. Clothes were taken off and sleep pants put on. They had both crawled under the covers with the normal foot of space between them, soon after he had noticed the mage shaking. He didn’t think Anders was asleep yet and it was still too warm for him to be cold. Considering the constant contact he had sought earlier Fenris had felt it safe to break one of their rules, a hand on his arm. Neither of them had spoken then or a bit later when the mage had closed the distance between them completely.

Fenris had lain awake for a long time. He also woke before Anders. The few hours of sleep he did get weren’t restful. At some point during the night the mage had rolled away from him, now lying on his stomach. Careful not to disturb him, Fenris got out of bed and made his way quietly to the fireplace. It didn’t get very cold in Kirkwall but the mornings were often chilly. Fixing the roof would probably help greatly but he couldn’t see spending coin on it. The mansion wasn’t even his after all.

The fire was ready to be lit when he heard Anders stirring. Turning to see him, Fenris watched his eyelids flutter before settling open. He thought that he was prepared to see his odd eyes again but he was wrong. They were just as unsettling to see now as they had been yesterday. A look of terror crossed Anders’ face and Fenris stood.

“No…,” he said in a frightened whisper. “Not again…they can’t…I haven’t done anything!”

Anders sat up quickly and began scooting backwards on the bed. Fenris quickly closed the distance between them, grabbing his shoulders to prevent him from falling off the other side of the bed. He made a frightened noise but stopped moving. Fenris could feel him trembling. “You are all right,” Fenris said trying to sound comforting.

“Please Ser,” Anders pleaded desperately. “I’ll be good. Just don’t leave me down here in the dark. Please!”

“You aren’t in the circle,” Fenris said a bit louder. “Remember the spider yesterday? You’ve been blinded.”

Terror turned to confusion as he said, “Blinded…Fenris…” Anders took a shuddering breath and leaned forward suddenly, his forehead coming to rest on Fenris’ bare stomach.

Fenris felt a little uncomfortable at such intimate contact but held still as he listened to the mage take several deep breaths. His hands still on Anders’ shoulders he waited, wondering if there was something else he should do.

“I’m okay now,” Anders said quietly as he sat up straight. His wrung his hands together in his lap, his face pointed down at them. “Thank you…and…I’m sorry.”

“It’s…all right,” Fenris said slowly. “I’m going to lite the fire now.”

Anders nodded without speaking and Fenris turned away and walked slowly back to the fireplace. He took his time, making some sound so that the mage knew he wasn’t alone but giving him time to compose himself. It also gave Fenris a moment to collect his scattered thoughts. The touching hadn’t bothered him as much as he’d thought it would yesterday. Even spending part of the night with Anders as close as possible had only been slightly uncomfortable, mostly because he wasn’t used to sleeping so close to another. He didn’t really want to examine that too closely.

“Maybe I should stay with Hawke for a while,” Anders said suddenly.

“Why?” said Fenris looking over at him.

“Last night I didn’t ask…and just now…” His cheeks flushed pink as he trailed off and he looked at his lap again.

“I would have said something last night if I couldn’t tolerate our proximity,” Fenris said as he stood and walked over to the bed. He sat next to him, close so that their shoulders touched. “Just now…isn’t that why you’re here?”

“Well…yes but…I didn’t expect to wake up and panic,” Anders said a little sullenly.

“It’s all right,” Fenris said again. “I’m not used to quite so much contact but I doubt Hawke would have allowed you to sleep so close.”

“I don’t think I’d have gotten to sleep,” he said softly. “So dark, every noise unfamiliar…I have to get used to this.”

Silence fell between them while Fenris searched for something to say. Rather than offering sympathy he asked, “Would you like a bath?”

“That sounds good actually,” said Anders with a grateful smile.

Fenris hoped the rest of the day wouldn’t be this confusing. He wasn’t sure how to help Anders deal with his emotions. His own emotions were muddled enough.


	4. Chapter 4

Anders had never been in Fenris’ bathing chamber. Normally when he spent the night here he left in the morning and took his bath at home in his clinic. He was very glad a bath had been suggested, it would give him some time to get himself back under control. Actually bathing was almost secondary though he always welcomed a chance to be clean. Just because he lived in Darktown didn’t mean he wanted to smell like Darktown.

His current inability to help Fenris get the bath ready was both frustrating and depressing. He didn’t know where the water pump was or the tub for that matter so he stood in the doorway feeling useless. Fenris wasn’t complaining however. In fact the elf had complained very little since they had arrived here yesterday and there had been many extra small things he’d done that Anders would normally do himself.

The sound of running water finally stopped and he took a small step into the room. “There is a bench to your right, against the wall,” said Fenris. He sounded fairly close. “Clean towels are stacked at the end of it closest to you. I’m standing next to the tub.”

Anders felt around until he found the stack of towels. They felt surprisingly thick and fluffy. He took small steps towards where he thought Fenris was, one arm outstretched in front of him. Fenris took his hand after a short distance and he felt the edge of a hard surface just above his knee.

“There is soap sitting on the other side of the tub,” said Fenris. “The water is cold but…”

“I can heat it up,” Anders said smiling slightly.

“Will…you be all right if I leave?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yes,” Anders said laughing quietly. “I think I’m done being terrified for the moment. I can’t promise anything about tonight or tomorrow morning though.”

“We will deal with that later,” said Fenris sounding relieved. “I will leave the door opened a little…call if you need something.”

“Thank you Fenris,” said Anders quietly. “I know this can’t be easy for you either…but I appreciate your help.”

“You’re welcome,” Fenris said just as softly.

He squeezed Anders’ hand a little before letting go. Anders listened to his quiet footsteps and for the door. When he was pretty sure that he was alone he carefully crouched down next to the tub. It didn’t take long to heat, and soon he was sitting in the hot water up to his belly button with his legs stretched out before him.

Feeling along the side of the tub he found the soap and dipped it into the water. It smelled pleasant though Anders couldn’t quite place it. He began by sinking down, wetting his hair, then working methodically down his body. The simple act of cleaning himself was soothing, something he could do without needing to see. He couldn’t wash away the terror he’d felt after waking to a dark world however, terror he could still feel waiting to creep back. Anders was extremely grateful Fenris had allowed him to stay.

Anders was also very grateful that his embarrassing behavior had been tolerated. Getting to sleep had been difficult, more so than he’d thought it would be. Some of the sounds he’d heard were familiar, the crackle of the dying fire, but there were many others that weren’t, creaking noises and a tapping that came and went. Many he didn’t remember hearing before, frightening because he couldn’t just open his eyes and search for the source.

Fenris had explained why he didn’t like to be touched. The painful process he had gone through when the lyrium was burned into his flesh and the painful healing afterwards but with Anders’ sight gone, touch was becoming more important than it ever had before. He would have lain awake all night starting at every strange noise if Fenris hadn’t put his hand on his arm. Scooting backwards to feel more of him, to make sure the hand on his arm was attached to a breathing person and not some of the wild things his imagination brought up had been almost inevitable.

He still should have asked first. This morning had been worse. The way Fenris had tensed had done more calm him than his words had, followed by mortification at such a stupid mistake. Anders could justify scooting close to him in the night. He wouldn’t have done it if Fenris hadn’t touched him first but there was simply no excuse this morning.

Anders shook his head as he set the soap back on the lip of the tub. He sunk back down into the water, rinsing the soap off and running his fingers through his hair a few times. If he did stay here for a while longer then this would probably be brought up again but for now he didn’t want to dwell on it, Fenris wasn’t angry with him. There was likely a lot more frustration in his near future as well. Anders was learning just how much he had depended on his sight.

Carefully climbing out of the tub, he made his way slowly to where the towels were. After rubbing most of the water out of his hair, he dried the rest of his body and wrapped the towel around his waist. Feeling around on the floor until he found his small clothes and sleep pants, he slowly made his way back to the doorway.

“Fenris,” he called loudly as he pulled open the door.

“Stay there,” Fenris said, his voice drifting up from below. “We’ll be right up.”

He listened intently and heard two sets of footsteps coming up the stairs not far away and wondered who was with him.

“Hello Anders,” Hawke said.

“Hawke,” Anders said in surprise. “I didn’t think you’d be here so early…it is still early isn’t it?”

“It is a little early,” said Hawke sounding closer. “I wasn’t sure if you had clean clothes here or not so I brought some along with breakfast.”

“I thought I locked the clinic,” he said anxiously.

“You did,” said Hawke now sounding amused. “These are mine. I try not to pick the locks on my friends’ homes. Not a great way to stay friends.”

Fenris snorted and Anders couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t have any clean clothes here,” Anders said. “I was just going to put the others on until I can get back to the clinic.”

“Perhaps we should visit your clinic,” Fenris said. “Gather some things you’ll need while you’re here.”

“That’s a good idea,” said Anders wondering just how long that would be. There was a brief silence that was intensely uncomfortable. He could clearly picture the guilty look that Hawke was probably aiming at his boots. He cleared his throat and forced himself to smile. “I’m sure it won’t be for too long.”

“You’re welcome here however long it does take,” Fenris said. “Hawke, could you take Anders back to my room? I wish to clean up as well.”

“Sure,” Hawke said gruffly. “Don’t take too long though, breakfast will be cold.”

Anders decided right then the first thing he wanted was to figure out how to get around without depending on an escort. There was nothing wrong with his legs after all, just his eyes. Getting from the bed to the fireplace last night had proved it was possible. For the moment though, he reached out with his free hand towards Hawke. Fenris brushed by him, arm against shoulder for a brief moment, before he felt Hawke take his hand and place it on his shoulder.

He was led back to Fenris’ bed where he was given the clothes Hawke had brought. Getting dressed proved to be a small challenge. His small clothes and the trousers weren’t much of a problem. Figuring out which part of the shirt was supposed to be in front was. After he was dressed he made his way carefully to Fenris’ chair, waving away Hawke’s offer of help, and crossed the distance to the chair he normally sat in. It didn’t take Fenris long to join them and they sat in front of the fireplace eating the egg sandwiches Hawke had brought.


	5. Chapter 5

Anders spent the morning wandering around in some of the unused rooms on the lower floor of Fenris’ mansion. Getting down the stairs had proved a bit nerve wrecking. Anders kept one hand on the railing and the other on his staff. With Hawke in front of him and Fenris behind, he descended slowly. It was something you did all the time without looking or thinking about but now that he couldn’t just look down and see the stairs falling was a greater danger. There were enough stairs in Kirkwall however that he was sure the nervousness he felt wouldn’t last long.

Hawke usually stayed by the door of the room they were in and Fenris either behind or next to him. He used his staff to probe for obstacles in front of him, sweeping it in a low arc in front of him. The elf had caught him several times before he got the knack but by the time lunch came around he was moving semi-confidently around objects.

At Hawke’s suggestion, they left Fenris’ mansion for the Amell Estate. Anders might not have been able to see the people around him but he could hear them just fine. There were gasps and horrified whispers as they made their way to the stairs that would take them to the Chantry courtyard. They were looking at his eyes. It was annoying that no one had the courage to ask him about them but their talk did help him know where they were.

Anders had insisted that he not be led. If he was going to have any sort of independence learning to avoid things was critical. With his friends to either side of him, Anders led the way. He walked close to the wall to stay out of the whispering noble’s way. Bumping into one of them or tapping a foot with his staff seemed a likely way to cause trouble.

The whispering continued as he led them across the courtyard and through the short hallways into the Keep’s courtyard. They arrived at Hawke’s door without an incident and they were soon in the foyer. He was pleased that he had made it without anyone’s assistance.

“Messere Hawke!” Bodahn exclaimed as Hawke led them into the house. “There’s no new letters but your tailor did stop by. I told her to come back this afternoon.”

“Thank you Bodahn,” Hawke said. “Is Orana in the kitchen?”

“She is, preparing lunch I believe,” said Bodahn. “Messere Anders, Messere Fenris.” His voice turned sympathetic as he got closer. “I’m sorry to hear of your accident Messere Anders.”

“It’s all right,” he said shrugging slightly. “I’m still alive.”

“Quite right,” Bodahn chuckled.

“Enchantment,” Sandal said happily from right next to him. He felt something pressed into his hand.

“Thank you Sandal,” said Anders wondering what he held. It felt like a largish rock that had been etched with something.

“Come along M’boy,” Bodahn said cheerfully.

“Hawke,” Anders said quietly. “What is this?”

“One of Sandal’s enchanted stones. I’ve got a whole collection of them,” Hawke said sounding amused. “Let’s go to the kitchen, we can talk while we wait for lunch.”

Anders tucked the stone in a pocket and followed Hawke’s footsteps through the house, trying to remember the layout. It would be easier to avoid objects if he already knew where they were. When they arrived in the kitchen, Anders had a hand on the back of a chair when he heard a tiny scream. The sound of crockery smashing on the floor followed seconds later.

“Is everything all right Orana?” Hawke asked in concern.

“I’m sorry Master,” she said in a rush. “I’ll clean this up immediately. His eyes…I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

“It’s all right Orana,” Hawke said soothingly.

He could hear her hurrying around as he sat, propping his staff against the back of the chair, and looked at the table. A chair was pulled out next to him and he felt Fenris grasp his arm lightly. The room went quiet as he listened to them clean up whatever she had dropped. Fenris’ description yesterday had made him wonder just what his eyes looked like now. The whispers on the way here and Orana’s reaction made him think that perhaps he should hide them somehow.

A blindfold was out of the question. He wasn’t about to compromise what little vision he still possessed because people found looking at him uncomfortable. Looking down might work on the streets but there was little else that could be done. Anders sighed and scrubbed his face.

“So,” Anders said trying to sound cheerful. “What’s for lunch?”

“I’m sorry Anders,” Hawke said again.

“Don’t be,” he said. “It’s not your fault. So I make people uncomfortable…not like that’s anything new. I’d rather talk about something else right now.”

After a rather uncomfortable lunch, Anders spent some time wandering through Hawke’s estate. They were waiting for Hawke’s tailor to return so she could get measurements for a new coat before they made the journey to Darktown. Fenris’ quiet presence was comforting as he practiced moving around, slowly so he wouldn’t break anything.

He stood still when she finally arrived and let her work. She measured several things, the length of his arms, and the width of his shoulders, around his waist while she asked about what the coat should look like. She hadn’t reacted like Orana had but she did sound nervous at first. Then she had asked what was wrong with his eyes, expressed sympathy after he had told her and was all business after.

His answer to her last question, material and color of the coat, had Hawke curious. After she had left with an estimated two weeks for it to be finished, Hawke asked why he wanted it black with gold trim. They had found so many raven feathers lately that Anders already had new pauldrons made from them. A black coat would match the feathers and it might be a bit easier to keep clean.

With that done they descended the stairs in the cellar to Darktown. Anders pulled the key from his pocket and unlocked one of the doors. He could picture the layout perfectly as he stood in the doorway. Moving slowly to the left he stopped in front of his desk. On it sat the latest version of his manifesto and he touched the parchment. The book he had been studying was hidden in one of the drawers.

**Will you give up?**

No, something must be done.

**How will you accomplish our plan?**

I don’t know, I can’t read the blighted book. I’m still not entirely convinced of our plan anyway. Just…give me some time.

Justice returned to the back of his mind where he’d hidden since yesterday. It wasn’t surprising that his first worry was for the cause. Anders hadn’t really had much time to think about mage rights or the Gallows. Learning to live without his sight would have to take precedence for the moment. He could do nothing to help them if he couldn’t even help himself.

“Anders?” Fenris said from the doorway sounding slightly concerned.

“I’m all right,” he replied. “I’ll just be a moment.”

Anders left the desk as it was and moved confidently back to his area of the clinic. He gathered extra clothes and thought of bringing his pillow. The pillow from his mother was left behind in the clinic. He didn’t have plans to move in with Fenris permanently after all, just until he was more certain that he was still capable of taking care of himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Fenris watched him move confidently around the many obstacles in the clinic. He must know this room by heart to avoid the cots and crates without the aid of his staff. When Anders disappeared behind the curtain he moved over to the desk, picking up the sheet of parchment. The words written on it were in his concise handwriting. Fenris could actually read most of it but some of the larger words were still beyond him.

“His manifesto,” Hawke said softly from beside him. “I wonder…”

“He will not give up,” Fenris said confidently, entirely unsure what to think about it. Through their conversations he had learned much about how different the Circle was here than in Tevinter. The mages could be treated better but the Templars were necessary. Mages were dangerous, there was altogether too much evidence here of the mischief they were capable of. These things often caused tempers to flare when they spoke but Fenris couldn’t bring himself to entirely disagree with Anders anymore.

Bethany had been the first mage that Fenris could tolerate. After she became a Grey Warden that left Anders and Merrill, neither were a good example of their kind. A part of what led Fenris to agree to listen to Anders that first night was his hatred of blood magic. He still couldn’t stand the Dalish witch and Anders was often harsh and abrasive towards her.

Anders still insisted that there was a difference between spirits and demons but he didn’t honestly care. It was a creature that belonged in the Fade and the mage had let it inside of him. Fenris had thought that if he didn’t resist once it was entirely likely he wouldn’t resist again. Now, however, he was sure that the mage _would_ resist any other demons that might come calling. The demon that he already housed was another matter altogether.

“Good,” Hawke said fiercely but quietly.

Despite his mother’s death and all the blood mages they ran across frequently, Hawke’s opinion on the Circle was very similar to Anders’. It was an understandable attitude given that his father and sister were both mages. He knew the fear of being hunted even if it was through his family. Fenris understood his opinions on Anders’ foolish cause would be unwelcome and he remained silent.

His thoughts often circled in a confusing tangle when the Circle was involved. Complete freedom for mages would lead to nothing good but the system clearly didn’t work like it was supposed to. Anders had plenty of evidence on his body of how cruel Templars could be. The mage wasn’t shy about the scars that covered his back that were not made from blades or darkspawn claws. Actually seeing those for the first time had been sobering but it was the year he’d spent in solitary confinement that really made Fenris uncomfortable. Fenris sighed heavily and pushed the whole issue away. None of this would help Anders right now.

After a moment Anders reappeared with a pack stuffed with some of his things. “I guess I’m ready,” he said. “What else should we do today?”

“First I think we should figure out what’s next,” Hawke said. “You seem to be getting around fairly well without help.”

“I think it’s going to take a lot longer than a day before I really get the hang of it,” Anders said the corners of his mouth curling upward for a mere second before pulling down. “Truth is…I just don’t know. There are so many things…”

“Let’s go to the Hanged Man,” suggested Hawke. “Have a drink…you look like you could use one.”

Anders nodded almost reluctantly. As before, he led the way. Fenris watched everyone around them a little more than he normally would. The residents of Darktown were just as unfriendly as they always were. There were fewer stares and whispers at the sight of his odd eyes. No one spoke to them, which was normal, and Anders stayed to the center of the path this time. In Lowtown, there were a few more people staring as they passed but not as many as there had been in Hightown. Fenris noticed that Hawke was also keeping a closer watch on the people they passed.

“Is this it?” Anders asked sounding uncertain when they arrived at the door.

“It is,” Fenris said.

“Good,” sighed Anders. “There are so many turns in Lowtown. I thought I’d gotten lost.” He opened the door and stopped just inside. Most of the tables were occupied and a buzz of conversation shot through with the occasional shout or laugh could be heard clearly. “A lot of people,” he said softly.

“Let me lead the way,” Hawke said just as softly. “Don’t want to run into anyone here. Stay close.”

Anders took a deep breath and started forward after him, close behind but not touching. Fenris trailed close behind him watching the patrons of the tavern but none seemed interested in the three familiar people. Around the tables and up the stairs at the back of the room, Hawke led them directly to Varric’s private suite.

“Hawke!” the cheerful dwarf’s voice said when Hawke entered the room. Anders entered moments later and Varric’s voice became a bit less cheerful. “Blondie.”

“Hello Varric,” Anders said tiredly as Fenris followed him into the room.

“I’ll get us some ale,” Hawke said. “I’ll be right back.”

Fenris saw that Varric already had company. He frowned as he sat in the chair he normally occupied, moving around the still mage as he did. Merrill sat to Varric’s right and her eyes were wide as she stared at Anders. He finally shuffled forward and pulled out a chair next to Fenris, which was not where he normally sat. His staff was propped against the back of the chair; his pack set at his feet and he folded his arms on top of the table.

“Varric,” Anders asked. “Is there someone else here?”

“Oh,” Merrill said shaking her head. “I’m sorry! I should have said something. I was a little distracted.”

Anders snorted and looked at the table. Fenris scooted his chair a little closer to the mage and moved his knee so that it touched Anders’. Varric arched an eyebrow at him and he glared back. The dwarf smirked and said, “Hawke told me what happened last night.”

“Varric told me just a little bit ago,” Merrill said. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Anders sighed wearily.

“There’s no reason he can’t keep doing what he has been,” Hawke said as he reentered the room. A mug of ale was placed in front of each of them.

“The clinic or playing hero with you?” Varric asked.

“Both,” said Hawke wiping foam from his upper lip with the back of his hand.

“Hawke,” Anders said his eyes widening. “I’m not sure that’s a great idea. How am I supposed to be useful in a fight if I can’t see what’s going on?”

“I have a few ideas,” Hawke said. “Don’t worry about that part for now. What would you need to get your clinic running again?”

“I have plenty of supplies,” Anders said shaking his head. “I’m not sure I can though.”

“Why not?” Fenris asked. “You lit the fire last night.”

Fenris wasn’t at all sure he liked the idea of bringing Anders along on one of Hawke’s inevitably dangerous missions. The clinic though, that was a good idea. It was still relatively safe in the clinic and Anders was capable of healing whether he could see or not. There had to be ways around things that he would normally depend on his sight for, like how he’d placed the logs into the fireplace.

Anders turned to him, a thoughtful expression on his face. “I suppose it’s possible. I might need some help reorganizing a few things.”

“Can I help?” Merrill said tentatively. “I’m not the most organized person but I know about herbs and potions.”

“It’s not going to be exciting,” said Anders doubtfully. “I thought you were too busy with that creepy mirror.”

“I could use a break from the Eluvian,” she said frowning slightly.

“That’s settled then,” Hawke said smiling. “Fenris, do you know if your mansion has a cellar?”

“There is a wine cellar,” said Fenris puzzled.

“How about we go poking around tomorrow and find out?” he said. “Maybe you have a Darktown entrance too.”

“Mind if I come with?” Varric asked also smiling.

“Not a bit,” said Hawke. “I’ve got a few things to discuss with you anyway. Drink up Anders. We’ll get you through this.”


	7. Chapter 7

It was dusk when Fenris insisted that he and Anders had to go home. Anders didn’t honestly mind. The gangs that roamed the Kirkwall nights hadn’t been too bad lately but he would rather not have to feel even more useless than he already did. He had no idea what Hawke had in mind and he wasn’t sure it was a good idea without even hearing it anyway. It was depressing that Anders would be more of a liability now.

As he readied himself for bed he thought of the clinic. Spending the day organizing his supplies with Merrill was likely going to test his patience. Most of things he needed wouldn’t be very hard to find. Bandages, poultices, and similar things wouldn’t be that hard to differentiate by touch. It was the various potions he used on a regular basis that would need to be separated. They were fairly easy to tell apart by color but most of the bottles had labels as well. Since neither of those methods was very useful now, each one would need to have its own space.

Actually healing people wouldn’t be that problematic. His patients would have to describe what was wrong and where along with allowing him to touch what he might not have had to before. There were a few things that he would need to work out, like how to make sure there were no foreign objects in a cut before he healed or bandaged it. That he could puzzle out later.

Anders sighed heavily as he sat on the bed. What had him a little nervous now was getting to sleep and not panicking when he woke in the morning. He was sure it would become familiar eventually but for now he needed to know he wasn’t alone. Fenris had kept their knees together most of the night and that let him hope that he wouldn’t be opposed to sleeping like they had last night. Lying on his side with the elf spooned against him had helped calm his fears immensely.

He could hear Fenris doing something across the room and he swallowed nervously. Anders looked to the fire for a moment before gathering his courage. “Fenris,” he said trying to sound calm. “Would you mind if we slept close…like we did last night?”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Fenris replied after a moment. “Are you ready to go to bed?”

“Yes,” he sighed. “It’s been…a long day.”

“I will be there in a moment.”

Anders pulled his feet up and settled on his side under the covers listening to Fenris. Whatever he was doing didn’t take long and soon he felt him on the bed behind him. Both of them were under the blankets, bare chest against bare back, the slight weight of his hand resting on his shoulder, Fenris’ knees resting in the hollow of his own and Anders slowly relaxed feeling his breath on his neck. His last thought before falling asleep was directed at the still silent Justice.

Don’t let me panic in the morning.

As it turned out, his silent plea was unnecessary. There was a brief moment of fear when he opened his eyes but it was quickly dismissed by the warm body he could feel against him. They had shifted in the night as they slept. Anders had rolled over on his stomach like he sometimes did but Fenris had stayed with him. He could feel an arm draped across his back as well as his leg resting on his thigh. The breath he felt last night was now on his shoulder. He was still for a moment enjoying something he didn’t quite realize he’d been missing.

Sharing a bed wasn’t a new experience. He’d often found himself warming someone else’s bed during his many escapes. Anders had slept in other people’s beds at the Tower as well but it wasn’t a common occurrence there. At Vigil’s Keep he only had to sleep alone if he wanted to. He grew a bit uncomfortable as he slowly woke, realizing that Fenris had a bit of a problem.

This wasn’t the first time he’d woken with someone else’s stiff length pressed against him somewhere. Normally it would be an invite for a morning romp between the sheets…but this was _Fenris_. This was the same elf who, until a few days ago, had agreed that while they were in the same bed there would be no touching. If Anders hadn’t been blinded there would be at least a foot of space between them.

Anders was grateful for his understanding and patience. Getting to sleep the last two nights would have been much harder without Fenris. In order to save them both some embarrassment, Anders slowly worked himself out of the bed. He couldn’t see if Fenris was still asleep but it sounded like he was. Quietly he knelt, feeling around for his staff. He made his way slowly to the bathing chamber. It took him a while to figure out how to fill the tub but he managed. By the time he was cleaned and safely wrapped in a towel there was a knock on the closed door.

“Anders?” Fenris said. “Are you in there?”

“I’m here,” he called out. Anders shuffled to the door and opened it wondering if that was actually concern he could hear in the elf’s voice. “Just thought I’d get cleaned up, let you sleep a bit longer.” Fenris grunted noncommittally and he really wished that he could see the expression on his face. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes,” said Fenris quickly. “If you are finished…”

“Of course,” said Anders smiling sheepishly. He grabbed his staff which leaned against the wall close to the door and turned to try and avoid Fenris on the way out of it. Making his way back to his pack, Anders pushed the entire strange morning out of his mind.

*

The unexpected fear he felt after waking to find Anders gone was enough to wilt his annoying erection. Fenris had forced himself to calmly search the room first, half expecting to find him gibbering in a far corner. When he couldn’t find the mage in that room he’d expanded his search. He was glad that Anders wasn’t lying in a broken heap at the bottom of the stairs. Fenris was irritated with himself after he discovered the bathing chamber door was closed but couldn’t quite keep all of the concern out of his voice when he knocked.

After a pleasantly quiet breakfast, they met Hawke on the way to the Alienage where they picked up Merrill. After that they went to Darktown, leaving both mages at Anders’ clinic. Fenris ignored the unease he felt at leaving him with the witch and they made their way back up to Lowtown. Varric was picked up and they climbed the stairs to Hightown. Sebastian was in the Chantry courtyard and Hawke naturally invited him along. Fenris didn’t think they’d find anything nasty actually inside the mansion, he’d been living there for years after all, but there was no telling what they might find if they actually found a door to Darktown.

Sebastian was filled in on Anders’ accident and his condition as they went through the lower levels of his mansion. Hawke had not been forthcoming on the ideas he mentioned yesterday, not to him at any rate. It was after midday when they finally found a door that might lead to Darktown. They were unable to get it open however and climbed back up to the kitchen. Lunch was eaten while they stood around the table he used to prepare his meals.

“Too bad we couldn’t get that door opened,” Hawke said frowning at his sandwich.

“Don’t give up yet Hawke,” Varric said. “I’ve got some people I can talk to. It’ll be a lot safer for Blondie to go through Darktown.”

“Anders would be safest in the Gallows,” Sebastian said sincerely. “He wouldn’t have to worry about being accosted by thugs.”

Fenris was instantly horrified at that idea. Sebastian hadn’t seen the scars that lined Anders’ back from his shoulders to his arse. He didn’t know about the year the mage had spent in a dark cell and the things that had gone on that year. He didn’t know about the rules the Templars had broken in Amaranthine and later at Vigil’s Keep to get the mage who’d helped the Hero of Ferelden save the city from darkspawn. Fenris didn’t have to say anything however.

“Right,” snarled Hawke. “Instead he gets to worry about how many times a night he’ll be raped, the perfect victim. How would he identify them? By their grunts?”

“Surely you’re exaggerating,” Sebastian said skeptically. “That sort of thing isn’t allowed.”

“It happens Sebastian,” Hawke said harshly. “You didn’t hear that sadist Alrik threaten that poor girl. Or the things that poor boy Alain has told me about Karras.”

“Have you reported these men?” Sebastian asked sounding concerned.

“Anders took care of Alrik,” Hawke answered. “Alain begged me not to say anything and I haven’t. I have done some digging and found others that I have reported to both Elthina and Cullen. She refuses to do anything and he claims his hands are tied.”

Sebastian frowned deeply and said nothing. Fenris frowned as well and asked, “How will you prevent something like that from happening out in Kirkwall?”

“I think he doesn’t want to depend on us,” Hawke said looking at each of them in turn. “He has the knowledge. We just have to help him figure out how to use that knowledge.”

“So what’s your plan Hawke?” Varric asked smiling.

Hawke returned a grin and said, “First we need to get that door opened. Then we give him some time in the clinic, build his confidence up. Let him get used to this. In the meantime, we’ll be thinking and planning.”

“Should someone stay with him?” Fenris asked with a glance at Sebastian. “Make sure nothing happens.”

“That’s up to him,” Hawke said shaking his head. “If we can get that door open it won’t be an issue. Anders is safer in Darktown than any of the rest of us.”

Varric gave him a contemplative look. Fenris frowned at him and the rest of their meal was quickly finished in silence.


	8. Chapter 8

Anders’ day with Merrill had been frustrating, but not as bad as he’d feared. With her help it took little time to organize his potions and his stock of herbs. He wasn’t sure if he dared make any potions at the moment but at least he knew what was where. She was surprisingly sympathetic and thoughtful. Her constant rambling provided a way for him to know where she was constantly. Some of Merrill’s questions were ridiculous however and that’s what mostly had him frustrated.

With most of the work done by lunch time Anders opened the clinic. He was grateful Merrill stayed with him after the organizing had been done. She was surprisingly helpful when it came to calming down a few of the remaining Fereldans. He had seen the blight sickness in Amaranthine, knew how their eyes looked different. For so many to have made that connection with his eyes now he was seriously rethinking his position on a blindfold.

The actual work wasn’t hard. Sometimes magical healing was more felt than seen so whether his eyes worked properly or not didn’t matter much. It was the patients that he normally wouldn’t have used magic on that gave him a bit of trouble. Out of necessity he had never used magic on everyone that walked in the door. He only had so much mana after all. Anders got detailed descriptions from them and still had to feel around sometimes. Wrapping cuts was second nature after all this time but making sure the wound was clean required more time without the use of his eyes.

At days end Merrill walked with him back to the Hanged Man. They hadn’t set any sort of meeting place when they parted this morning but Anders was positive he could get back to Fenris’ mansion on his own. Fenris was already there as it turned out and they continued on back to his place.

While they walked he was informed that they had found a door in the cellars that might lead to Darktown. Varric was contacting someone who might be able to get it open. Not having to go through Lowtown and Hightown to get back would take quite a bit of stress off of him. Anders knew that he could just elect to stay in his clinic but was still very reluctant to do so. Until he could fall asleep without needing someone’s reassuring touch and wake up without that moment of fear because it was still dark when he opened his eyes, Anders would stay with Fenris.

By the time two weeks had passed they had established a routine. Going to sleep and waking were proving to be the most difficult times of the day for him. Getting to sleep wasn’t nearly as bad. They hadn’t discussed sleeping arrangements after that second night. No matter which of them went to bed first they slept spooned together, Fenris always behind him. His hand had started off on Anders’ shoulder but soon began to wander.

It wasn’t that he minded Fenris’ arm draped over his side or resting on his hip but he wasn’t quite sure what to think of it. As far as sleeping went it reminded him more of lovers cuddling than one friend helping another. That was a subject he hadn’t thought of in a very long time and definitely not with Fenris being the other half. As appealing as the idea was, Anders kept these thoughts to himself. Anders could enjoy the arm draped over him but he was determined that it would go no further than that.

Waking without that instant of fear was proving more difficult. The terror from the first morning after the accident hadn’t been repeated but there were still bad moments. It mostly depended on where Fenris was. If they had stayed together, sometimes in far more compromising positions than they had fallen asleep in, that fear lasted seconds. He had never woken in solitary with someone else draped over him after all. If they had rolled apart the fear lasted until Justice made his presence known.

It didn’t matter who woke first, Anders had a bath while Fenris put breakfast together. Anders hadn’t been much of a cook when he could see and he really didn’t want to find out how bad he would be at it now that he couldn’t. It was something that needed to be addressed at some point however. Eating bread and cheese for every meal would get old fast.

Before the door in the cellar had been broken open and replaced Fenris walked him to the clinic after they had eaten. He always showed up before Anders closed the clinic to walk him back as well. The day after the door had been opened Hawke and Fenris had spent nearly the entire day with him while he memorized the route to his clinic. In the mansion, Varric had tied string along the convoluted path to the cellar door. He wasn’t sure who had cleared the path in the mansion of obstacles but he was grateful. After he had easy access to Darktown, there was no need to be escorted to and from his clinic.

There were a few of Hawke’s merry band of misfits that showed up periodically. It was mostly Hawke and Fenris but Merrill, Varric and surprisingly Aveline had all stopped by fairly regularly. It was both flattering and annoying that they were keeping tabs on him. It was flattering because they cared enough to check and annoying because it emphasized a certain flaw he now had, one that he wasn’t entirely sure how to overcome.

The actual work wasn’t hard. It wasn’t exactly as it had been before but the familiar act of healing did much to soothe him. His patients still left better than they had come despite his inability to see. After locking up his clinic for the night he went back to Fenris’ mansion. They ate supper, Fenris bathed and then they sat in front of the fire and talked until they went to bed.

Anders had gone to both of their weekly get-togethers in the Hanged Man since he’d been blinded. An incident during the first one finally convinced him to cover his eyes in public. One of the drunker patrons, a warden ironically, had noticed his odd eyes. The poor man was so addled he didn’t realize that Anders was also a warden. There was a shout and Anders found himself pushed up against the wall, an arm at his throat.

He was babbling about the taint and the blight sickness but Anders didn’t get the chance to fend him off. Fenris pulled the poor sod away from him with a growl and might have killed him had Hawke and Varric not intervened. Anders was spirited away upstairs while they calmed everyone down, including Fenris. He left that night with an old kerchief of Isabela’s that Merrill had kept for some reason tied loosely around his eyes.

In spite of the spirited start to that evening, Anders had spent the rest of it bored out of his mind. These nights had been a needed break from everything in general. There was drinking, talking, card games and general silliness that usually led to laughter. He had never participated in the drinking part. Anders had often found himself the only sober person in the room when Sebastian wasn’t there. Now that he couldn’t lose a good portion of his coin playing cards the only thing left was talking. He couldn’t fully appreciate the silliness because there were often visuals.

Having been so bored the first time, he’d been reluctant to go the second. He went anyway and it was just as bad as before. His friends tried to include him but there just wasn’t that much to do besides listening to Varric’s stories. This loss made him a little sad and he wasn’t looking forward to it like he had previously.

The more time that passed the more he grew used to the dark world he now lived in. He learned to listen for footsteps and could sometimes hear a whispered conversation across an empty room. Listening had provided him a way to tell which one of his friends walked through the door. There were subtle sounds he hadn’t paid much attention to before, like the difference between Aveline’s heavy plate and Sebastian’s lighter armor. It was quickly becoming habit to cock an ear towards unfamiliar things rather than looking.

Part of identification was smell. Neither of the elves in their group made much noise when they walked but Merrill always had an earthy scent about her and Fenris often smelled of the oil he used on his sword. Fenris also had a smell about him that Anders associated with Templars and the Circle. He thought it was probably the lyrium and had only noticed it because he was closer to the elf than he ever had been previously.

Justice had been mostly quiet through all this. He was beginning to prod about how they could research the book, however. Their only option was to enlist someone’s help, someone who could still read. There were many problems with that. The book was written in Tevene and the only other person who might also understand it he was definitely not asking. Anders wasn’t about to risk the friendship he’d forged with Fenris over something he wasn’t at all sure about.


	9. Chapter 9

Anders spent a good part of the third card night in his clinic. It wasn’t the first one he’d ever missed and Hawke hadn’t pressed him before he’d left. The simple fact was he didn’t want to go. Listening to them talk of whatever Hawke had done that week felt too much like rubbing salt in a wound. Anders was discovering that he’d enjoyed his dangerous outings now that he couldn’t go with.

He set out that night to try and figure out how he could possibly continue his research on the book. After a few hours of discovering that none he currently knew in Kirkwall could be trusted with the questionable contents of that book, Hawke being the one exception, he locked up the clinic in frustration. The emotion was definitely being echoed by Justice as Anders made his way to Fenris’ mansion which only made it worse.

Firmly pushing his irritation away, he ran his fingers lightly along the twine and counted the steps as he climbed them. Back in the large foyer, Anders walked confidently through the mess and up to their room. He didn’t bother with lamps or candles, he didn’t need them and doubted Fenris would either. After lighting the fire, Anders readied himself for bed and lay on his side under the covers.

**If Hawke is the only one to be trusted then you should approach him.**

Hawke can’t read Tevene. Besides, I don’t want to involve him in this.

**He is the reason we cannot see…**

No he isn’t. It was an accident. He’s helped us far more now and in the past than we probably deserved. If I don’t have to mess up the life he’s built here I won’t.

With the spirit still grumbling, Anders did his best to ignore him. The sounds he now heard were familiar now though still strange. Even without Fenris pressed against him, he fell asleep after a while. He woke slowly, his eyes still closed, in that fuzzy in-between stage. Still on his side, someone lay close. They were touching nearly everywhere, his hand draped over his side resting on the bed just in front of his chest.

Anders snuggled back against him, his half-aware mind bringing up past lovers to explain the soft noises in his ear and the occasional movement he could feel. The answering hardness he could feel between his legs was as pleasant as what he could feel on his backside. He was content to lay there, not quite awake but not asleep, listening to Fenris’ occasional soft moan and feeling him rut against his arse every so often.

Fenris…

His eyes flew open but he didn’t panic. It was Fenris behind him not Karl or Nathaniel, obviously having a rather heated encounter in his dreams. He’d woken several times over the last three weeks feeling Fenris hard against him. Morning wood was a common enough occurrence that Anders didn’t think much of it. He merely slipped away to preserve dignity and he was positive that Fenris had done the same thing a few times.

When he tried to move this time however, the arm around him tightened. Fenris’ hand was now pressed to his chest and he murmured something too low to hear followed by a weak thrust of his hips. Anders waited a moment and tried again with similar results.

“Fenris,” Anders said deciding that waking him up would be less embarrassing than explaining the wet spot that was surely coming. “Fenris wake up.” He rolled over as far as the elf would allow and shook him lightly. “Fenris.”

The movements had stopped and seconds later he heard a familiar curse followed by the sound of Fenris’ feet hitting the floor. The blanket had been flung away and Anders felt around for it. Only after he found it and pulled it over his own tented pants did he sit up and turn in the direction Fenris had gone.

“Well,” Anders said cheerfully. “This is awkward.” He could hear nothing besides the soft sound of Fenris breathing heavily. “Do you…need a moment?”

“No,” Fenris said after a short pause. “I am…”

“Embarrassed?” Anders offered cautiously when he stopped.

“Yes,” he said. “Forgive me. I was dreaming…our conversation last night…”

“Must have been something Isabela would have approved of,” said Anders smiling. He felt some of the tension dissipate between them.

Fenris snorted in amusement and Anders felt the mattress dip beside him. “She most definitely would have,” he said after a moment.

The silence grew awkward again and Anders cleared his throat wishing he could see Fenris’ facial expression. The elf could be as expressive as a statue at times but even a little indication of what he was thinking would have been helpful. “So, no hard feelings right?” he asked trying not to sound nervous.

What he had to be nervous about, Anders wasn’t sure. He was the one being used as a surrogate for whoever Fenris had been dreaming about. If anything he should probably feel a little annoyed at the least but found that he wasn’t. His thoughts were interrupted by Fenris’ amused laughter.

“What’s so funny?” he asked curiously.

“Your poor choice of words,” said Fenris after a minute.

Anders replayed what he had just said in his mind and couldn’t help but chuckle as well. “All right, hurt feelings then.”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Fenris said suddenly serious. “Sleeping with another person, especially so close, isn’t something I’ve really done before.”

“Fenris, you’ve been remarkably patient with all of my touches lately,” Anders began cautiously. “I’m grateful you’ve allowed this…closeness at night and it is helping. You weren’t here when I went to sleep. I worry about making you uncomfortable sometimes.”

“I am not uncomfortable,” Fenris said. There was something in his voice that Anders couldn’t quite place. He didn’t get a chance to think on it because the elf continued, his voice sounding normal. “We should get dressed. Hawke will be by shortly. Your new coat is ready and he said there was another surprise for you.”

He understood the conversation was over. Anders wasn’t upset and Fenris didn’t seem to be either. Hopefully nothing bad would come of this odd morning. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d missed something as he nodded. They continued on with their day but he didn’t get much of a chance to figure out what it might have been.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teeny, tiny mention of past abuse.

After a quick stop to retrieve Anders’ feathers from the clinic, they stood in Hawke’s study. Fenris had to admit, the colors he had chosen suited the mage very well. He still liked the old coat better. With that done Hawke announced his intention to take them to the Wounded Coast along with Aveline and Varric.

Anders had settled into his work at the clinic fairly quickly. The more time that had passed the better he became at avoiding objects and people in areas that he wasn’t intimately familiar with. Most of the time he could tell when someone approached and had even figured out how to tell who was approaching. As comfortable as he seemed during the day, Fenris knew Anders still missed his sight.

Over the last month, Anders had gone from shaking in fright when they went to bed to almost eager cuddling. It was disturbing how quickly Fenris had gotten used to this. Before this morning he might have denied that he enjoyed it as much as the mage seemed to. He found that impossible now.

Last night had proved that the mage didn’t need Fenris’ presence to get to sleep but waking continued to be somewhat problematic. He didn’t always wake before Anders but the times he had there was always a look of fear when his eyes opened followed by a brief flash of blue. There were also nightmares on occasion. Fenris learned how to tell when his dreams were caused by darkspawn. The mage usually settled quickly after these.

Sometimes Fenris was woken by whimpers or muttered pleas. He was certain these were caused by the year Anders had spent in a dark cell, alone except for the faceless Templars that brought his meals and occasionally stayed for something else entirely. The mage had told Sebastian that he had been lucky but Fenris wasn’t so certain that Anders had never been raped. Trading one’s body for things that should have been provided definitely crossed a line. That conversation had brought up quite of few of his own experiences and he couldn’t help but see the massive quantity of similarities between them.

Fenris was honestly amazed at how well Anders had handled this morning’s episode. Indiscretion seemed like too strong a word but he couldn’t think of another one that fit. As if dreaming about Anders wasn’t enough, waking to find himself sort of performing the act he had been dreaming of was more than embarrassing.

The conversation at the Hanged Man had begun innocently enough. Idle talk of how a deck of cards could be modified so that Anders could ‘see’ the cards. That had led to the mage’s new need to touch things. It had degenerated rather quickly after that. At some point during the night, Fenris’ tolerance of Anders’ tactile nature had been noted. Hawke had put a stop to the others’ light teasing with a reminder of the seriousness of Anders’ situation. He had still left wondering what it would be like to have those hands on other, more intimate, places.

It wasn’t surprising that it had been Anders under him in the dream. After the conversation around the card table and a few feelings he had been trying to ignore it wasn’t surprising at all. Becoming entangled with another mage, an abomination no less, was probably one of the worst ideas ever. It was becoming harder to deny what he wanted however.

“You know Broody,” Varric said quietly from beside him as they followed Hawke, Anders and Aveline on the trail. “He’s missing half your signals.”

“Signals?” Fenris said in confusion. “What are you talking about dwarf?”

“That wide-eyed puppy look you were just sending his way,” answered Varric with the beginnings of a smirk.

“I was not,” he said irritably.

“Or the way you glare at strangers who get too close,” Varric continued his smirk turning to a serious little frown. “Does he know you watch his clinic sometimes?”

“I would hope not,” Fenris said softly. “Why do you bring this up?”

“Because you’re obvious and he’s oblivious,” Varric said still speaking softly. He slowed and Fenris did as well to keep pace with him. “Hawke’s noticed, even _Aveline_ can see it.”

Fenris frowned and remained silent. He wasn’t aware that any of his recent actions could be taken as anything more than friendship. Anything beyond the physical act of coupling was a complete mystery to him.

He wasn’t sure how to go about courting the mage or if Anders was even interested in deepening their cautious friendship. Despite how closely they slept the mage seemed determined to keep some sort of space between them. There could be many reasons for this, including a lack of interest. Fenris didn’t want to pursue anything until he was certain that Anders was at least interested.

“If I am that obvious then how can he not see it?” Fenris asked.

“Did you know you frown when you have a good hand?” Varric asked.

“What does that have to do with Anders?” said Fenris starting to feel irritated again.

“Hawke tugs on his beard, Aveline taps the table with her index finger, Blondie plays with his feathers and Daisy just doesn’t have a good card face at all.” Varric held his hand up at Fenris’ intake of breath. “Hear me out Broody, I’m getting there. All of those things are visual cues that any observant person can pick up on. A good portion of communication between people is visual cues. Blondie is missing half of the conversation. You’re giving him nothing but visuals.”

“Vision isn’t the only way people give cues,” Fenris said. “As a slave you learn to listen for small changes in tone.”

“Very true,” said Varric nodding. “You’ve had a lot more experience in picking up on those subtle changes than he has. Blondie’s still getting used to not seeing. Even if he is picking up the subtle differences, I doubt he’s figured out what they mean.”

“I wasn’t aware that I was sending such signals,” Fenris said slowing down further.

“Trust me, you have been,” Varric said. “As your friend I’m going to encourage you to give him a signal he understands. Both of you could stand to loosen up a little.”

“Are you sure there are no ulterior motives?” Fenris asked suspiciously.

“It would make a great story,” said Varric his smirk returning. “The ladies in Hightown would just eat up that sort of romance. Love blossoms from hate and tragedy…” Fenris snarled at him and Varric chuckled holding his hands up in surrender. “I promise this one won’t be put on paper.”

“Come on you two,” Hawke yelled back at them. “Pick up the pace. You’re being left behind.”

“Sure thing Hawke,” Varric called back.

Without a glance behind, Varric hurried to catch up to the others. Quite a bit of space had been allowed to accumulate between them. Fenris thought that Varric hadn’t wanted Anders to overhear this conversation, which was a distinct possibility. It seemed like his hearing had improved since his eyes stopped working. After a moment he hurried to catch up as well, wondering if a simple question would suffice.


	11. Chapter 11

With Hawke explaining what they were doing here, Anders had missed most of the conversation behind him. He couldn’t help but wonder what Fenris and Varric had been speaking about that they had gotten behind because of it. They arrived at their destination shortly after the two had caught up.

Anders still thought it was a horrible idea to depend on him in a fight at the moment no matter how much he missed it. Learning to at least defend himself properly was something he was greatly interested in however. It would give him peace of mind and hopefully give Fenris a little less to worry about as well. The first time Fenris had spent most of the day at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the clinic, his patients had informed him of the elf’s presence. He was honestly flattered that he cared enough to spend some of his days watching the clinic, even as unnecessary as it was.

He hadn’t been completely incompetent in hand-to-hand fights. During his time in Vigil’s Keep Nathaniel had taken it upon himself to teach Anders a few things. Darkspawn usually came in swarms and sometimes the frontline fighters just couldn’t hold them all back. Losing your best healer because he couldn’t deal with the enemy up close wasn’t high on anyone’s list of favorite things. There were also several spells he knew that worked well as deterrents.

How to apply these skills because he couldn’t see his opponents was what he needed to learn now. On the way to one of the remoter clearings of the Wounded Coast, Hawke had explained that they would begin with simple sparring. Aveline had brought practice weapons with her so that they wouldn’t accidentally cause serious injuries. Getting hit with a wooden sword would still hurt however so there was plenty of incentive to learn.

Since there was no one around to panic with his white eyes, the kerchief had been pulled down and now sat around his neck. Anders knew Fenris was behind him but was still a little surprised when he felt his fingers working at the knot. Hawke spoke before he could say anything.

“Before we get started I have something for you,” he said.

Cloth was pressed into his free hand as Fenris pulled the kerchief free. Anders held his staff in the crook of his arm to free his other hand. He shook out the folded bit of soft cloth and found that it was a long strip made of either satin or silk. It was wider than some belts he had seen but didn’t seem long enough to go around a waist. As he ran it through his fingers he found a small notch at about the center.

“Is this a blindfold?” Anders asked unable to keep from smiling.

“It is,” Hawke said almost shyly. “I talked with my tailor shortly after that night you began wearing one, its black silk, golden stitching. It won’t come unraveled and should be a little more comfortable than that kerchief.”

“Thank you Hawke,” said Anders. “For everything.”

“You’re welcome,” he answered. “It’s the least I can do. There one more thing before we get started. We came up with some ideas last night and I’ve asked Bodhan to work on altering a deck of cards.”

“How can you do that without giving away all the cards?” Anders asked curiously as he positioned the new blindfold and tied it.

“We figured that we could cut out the symbols in the middle of the card and then glue a whole one on the back,” Hawke explained. “You should be able to feel the cut out bits on the top one without everyone knowing what all the cards are.”

“As long as you count without moving your lips,” Varric added cheerfully.

“That’s clever,” said Anders. He smiled as he pulled the new blindfold down around his neck where the kerchief had been. “Who thought of that?”

“Fenris and Varric mostly,” said Hawke sounding happy. “Let’s get started.”

***

Anders sank into the hot water with a sigh of relief. After several hours of sparring with Hawke, Aveline and Fenris he was extremely sore. It also felt like there were several bruises all over him. After he’d sort of figured out what to listen for and reasonably predict the next move, he was positive he’d left a few bruises as well. He was far from confident however but a few more sessions would probably help.

There hadn’t been any magic and Fenris hadn’t used any of his gifts from the lyrium brands. It had been weapons only. They weren’t trying to kill each other after all. Anders had seen a few opportunities to use some of his spells but Hawke said they would incorporate those later, against non-living targets.

Most of the day had been spent on the Wounded Coast. They had stopped for lunch and a few breaks before heading back to Kirkwall. In a few days, long enough to let the current batch of bruises heal, they would go back and spar some more. Anders found himself looking forward to it. Every time he had managed to block their weapons gave him a little joy. It had been exhilarating when he had finally landed a few of his own.

As tired and sore as he was now todays exercise had given him hope. He still wasn’t sure how he would fit in in a real fight besides his role of healer. Most of his ranged spells were useless without someone to direct him to a target. Perhaps he could ask Merrill to help him go through some of his spell books. There were plenty of spells that would help his companions and he did know a few but learning a few more couldn’t hurt.

It shouldn’t be very hard to keep track of their location during battle. They were all very vocal, with the exception of Fenris. The others could often be heard over the noise but he had kept track of Fenris by the glow of his markings. Perhaps he still could. If he could still see the glow he would still be able to track him that way if the sun wasn’t shining.

Anders had spent quite a bit of time during the day and at night learning what light sources he could see and how close he had to be to them. When the sun was up there wasn’t much he could see without the blindfold. Even with the blindfold blocking most of the sunlight he still had to be fairly close to the other sources to see them because it blocked that as well. At night he could see most any light source. On one of their trips back to the mansion from the Hanged Man Anders had stopped them in the Chantry’s courtyard. Even with the blindfold muting them, he’d still been able to point out every torch.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. “Are you all right?”

The water he’d been soaking in was now lukewarm. “Yes,” Anders called out as he carefully stood and got out of the tub. “I was thinking and lost track of time.”

“Supper is ready,” Fenris said. “I have also brought up some wine from the cellar…if you’d care for some.”

“I’ll be out in a minute.”

He dried off and dressed in his sleep pants quickly. After draining the tub he gathered his clothes and went to the main room. The only three rooms in the mansion Fenris bothered with were the kitchen, the bathing chamber and the large room where they spent most of their time. Meals were either eaten around the table in the kitchen or sitting in the chairs in front of the fireplace. As he entered the main room his stomach growled loudly at the wonderful smells of the food Fenris had prepared while he soaked in the tub.

“Andraste’s knickers,” Anders said inhaling deeply. “You’ve been holding out on me. Supper smells absolutely divine!”

“At Hawke’s request,” Fenris said. “I have been helping Orana adjust to life in Kirkwall. In return she has been teaching me to cook.”

To Anders, the last sentence was spoken the exact same way he’d apologized this morning. Anders grinned as he dropped his clothes in a pile near the bed and turned back to Fenris. “You’re embarrassed aren’t you?”

“Perhaps,” Fenris said evasively.

“I promise I won’t tell anyone,” Anders said still grinning. “If it tastes half as good as it smells I don’t think you have anything to worry about though.”

“Would you like some wine?” Fenris asked sounding happier than he had moments ago. “There is a pot of tea as well if you’d prefer.”

“One glass won’t hurt,” said Anders breathing a little sigh of relief. The last thing he wanted was to offend the touchy elf.

The meal was simple. Chicken, carrots, onions and some sort of pepper fried together with spices and served over rice. He also had fresh apples and pears. When he was finished, Anders sat back in his chair and sighed happily. The last time he’d been this full of such tasty food was the last time they’d eaten dinner with Hawke.

“Thank you, that was wonderful,” Anders said sitting up. “Remind me to thank Orana later. Do you need help with the dishes?”

“That would be appreciated,” said Fenris.

A companionable silence fell as they gathered the dirty dishes and took them back to the kitchen. Fenris washed while Anders dried and set them on the table. It didn’t take them long to finish and he waited just inside the doorway while Fenris put them up.

“Do you like it here?” Fenris asked on the way up the stairs.

“Of course,” Anders said wondering why he sounded sort of nervous. “You’ve been helpful and patient. I’m not sure I’d be as comfortable with this if it weren’t for your help.” After a moment he added, “Maybe you could teach me how to cook. If I can learn to fight I should be able to learn to cook.”

“I’m not sure I could help you with that,” said Fenris with an amused snort. “There’s a reason we banned you from cooking on campouts.”

Anders chuckled as they made their way to the bed. He sat down on the edge and looked up at Fenris. “Believe me I know how horrible a cook I am. I need to refigure out some of the basics now anyway. Besides, it might help get me out of your hair faster.”

“There is no rush,” said Fenris. He sat next to Anders on the bed, so close that their thighs touched. “I will try and help you though.”

There it is again, he thought, that same tone from this morning. Anders smiled and bumped their shoulders together. “I appreciate all of your help,” he said quietly.

“It is no trouble,” said Fenris. “Let’s go to sleep.”

Anders fell asleep that night pressed against Fenris, his hand resting on his hip, his breath warm upon his neck, wondering what that small change in his voice meant.


	12. Chapter 12

“It’s hopeless,” said Fenris.

Anders shook his head and groaned a little at the flat tone of his voice. In the four days that had passed since their first trip to the wounded coast, Anders had spent most of the days in his clinic and most of the nights with Fenris in the kitchen. So far the only thing he could do correctly was boil water for tea, which was the only thing he could do well before being blinded.

“At least this is semi-edible,” he said giving Fenris his spoon. Their fingers touched briefly before both spoon and hand were gone. Moments later he could hear it clatter in the sink among the rest of the dishes they had dirtied this evening.

“It might keep you from starving to death,” Fenris replied with an amused snort. “If you could get past the awful blandness and horrible texture.”

“That’s why I eat a lot of bread and cheese,” Anders said one corner of his mouth quirking up.

“Why don’t you find us some while I deal with this…failed attempt,” said Fenris squeezing his shoulder.

“No complaints on how crooked it’s cut,” said Anders letting the other corner of his mouth quirk up.

There was another brief squeeze on his shoulder and then his hand was gone. He could hear Fenris taking the pot with Anders’ failed stew somewhere else. While he hadn’t gotten anywhere with learning to cook, the lessons had been enjoyable. They were often fairly close so it made sense that there would be the occasional touch but Fenris had been fairly free with his hands lately anyway.

It wasn’t just in the kitchen either. Anders thought it odd that they had gone from no contact to quite a lot of contact in a relatively short amount of time. He had needed the reassurance at first, to know that he wasn’t alone but now touch was a major part of how he sees things around him. That Fenris had tolerated any of it was a bit of a surprise.

During the last few days Fenris had not only been tolerant but had been reciprocating. Before their sparring session there had been a few instances, brushing against each other in hallways or their knees touching under the table at the Hanged Man. Now however it seemed like he found any excuse he could to touch Anders.

This was definitely strange but not unwanted at all. Even before the blindness Anders had always been rather free with his hands. Justice had cured some of it and he tried to respect boundaries but he had always enjoyed touching and being touched. There was just something comforting about contact with others.

He would have been completely fine with cuddling at night, which he was beginning to think Fenris liked as much as he did. Everything else, their hands brushing together, an arm around his shoulders, pats to his thigh was simply an unexpected bonus. There had been nothing that either one of them could term inappropriate. Anders was puzzled about this sudden change but was content to enjoy it.

Suppers had also improved since their outing as well. Being with him in the kitchen while he cooked was almost torture. Everything Fenris had cooked the last four days had smelled wonderful and tasted even better. Tonight had been his turn to cook, to see if he could do anything besides ruin food. He was definitely not looking forward to going back to eating whatever he could scrounge up.

They had plans to go to the Wounded Coast again for more sparring tomorrow. Because he would likely be sore and bruised again he’d already spoken to Merrill about going through his spell books the day after that. She had cheerfully agreed and would meet him at the clinic. For now however, there was supper and conversation to look forward to.

Their verbal sparring matches were much the same. Without the hate that had existed between them Fenris often gave him a lot to think about. Anders hoped that he had had the same effect and all of the extra things the elf had gone out of his way to do recently, gave him hope that maybe he had. This was the second biggest reason he hadn’t asked Hawke to help him with the book. He wanted an end to the atrocities not for them to be redirected. Destroying the Chantry, however much he hated it, didn’t really seem like a good way to do that. He could offer no alternate solution. None of his methods had borne fruit.

“Are you all right?”

“Maker, Fenris!” Anders exclaimed after a startled yelp. Luckily the knife was half buried in the wedge of cheese he was cutting.

“My apologies,” he said. “I didn’t mean to startle you but…you looked troubled.”

“I’m fine,” said Anders smiling even though his heart was still beating much too fast. “I was just thinking.” In the awkward silence that followed Anders figured that Fenris had guessed what he might have been thinking about. His cause was still a very sensitive issue between them.

Fenris cleared his throat after a moment and asked, “Would you like some help?”

“You could grab a plate for the cheese,” he said with a more genuine smile.

“Of course,” he said sounding more normal.

Anders was relieved that he had chosen to leave the issue alone for now. He knew Fenris didn’t like the idea of mages being free and he really couldn’t blame him anymore. What Fenris had suffered at the hands of a mage was in some ways worse than what he had suffered. His hatred made sense in a way that it might never have if they hadn’t both set aside their stubbornness. That the elf was helping him now, surely meant that he had gotten through to him somewhat. He wasn’t quite willing to risk finding out positively one way or another at the moment however.

The rest of the night passed rather quickly in what had become their normal routine. They ate sitting in front of the fireplace, the plate between them and discussing tomorrow’s trip to the coast. The dishes were washed and put away then Fenris retired to his bathing chamber while Anders readied himself for bed. He found that sleep was eluding him in his almost excited anticipation.

Eventually he dropped off and woke to find that he had followed Fenris during the night. Deceptively soft white hair tickled his nose, his chest flush with the elf’s back, one of his arms under the pillow and the other draped over his arm and chest. Anders lay there for a moment, simply enjoying the feel of another body against his. When he tried to untangle their legs he found that not only was Fenris awake but he was actively seeking to keep them together. His ankle was suddenly hooked on the elf’s foot.

“Fenris?” Anders said softly.

“Yes?” he replied just as quietly.

“How long have you been awake?”

“A while.”

“And you don’t mind…this?”

Anders felt fingers rubbing the back of his hand lightly. “I did not want to disturb you,” Fenris said. “And…I am comfortable.”

“Comfortable with me practically hugging you?” Anders asked cautiously but he didn’t try to move away.

“I have come to enjoy this…closeness.”

Anders resisted the urge to kiss the back of his head and smiled instead. “You like cuddling with me?” he asked.

“Yes,” said Fenris sounding somewhat amused. “I do. I wouldn’t mind being…a little closer.”

“Can’t get much closer than this,” said Anders wondering if that statement was meant as a joke or if he was serious. He could think of a way they would be closer but he pushed that thought away quickly.

Neither of them spoke for a while and the stillness was comfortable. “We should probably get up,” Fenris eventually said reluctantly. “Hawke will be waiting.”


	13. Chapter 13

To say that Fenris was frustrated would have been a gross understatement. He had tried subtle and a few things that weren’t subtle at all. Anders enjoyed the dinners he cooked. There was generally nothing left and it also wasn’t quite as easy to count the mages’ ribs. Fenris found any reason to touch him, Anders often leaning into it like a cat. They usually spent a little time each morning since their second sparring session cuddling together under the blankets. His remark about being closer had been carefully avoided by Anders since.

No matter how much time they spent together Anders was careful to keep that hidden space between them. Fenris was almost ready to corner the irritating mage and kiss him stupid. There couldn’t possibly be a way to mistake that sort of advance. After the sort of mindless depravity Danarius had put him through, Fenris didn’t want to be just another tryst. As terrifying as he found it Fenris cared about him. Maybe it would be easier to start with sex, closing some of that space, make it easier to reveal the caring part.

If he did push a physical relationship first it would probably cut down on the amount of dreams he woke impossibly hard from. Anders didn’t seem to mind this at all even when their hips were pressed tightly together in the mornings. Instead of slinking away like he had been, the mage remained. It didn’t seem to work in reverse however. One recent morning Fenris woke and he was gone. By this time he knew to check the bathing chamber first.

The room was dark as usual but Anders was definitely in there. He knew he should have left but couldn’t. It was the soft groan that kept his feet rooted to the floor and his ear to the cracked open door, a groan that sounded like his name along with rhythmic splashing. Fenris hadn’t quite been able to look at him for a while, not without a surge of lust making his leggings uncomfortable. At least he was positive there was interest now.

It made the distance Anders insisted on keeping that much more confusing. Fenris didn’t really want to talk to anyone about this either. He’d spent most of the day pacing, trying to decide what he should do. There wouldn’t be much more time before Anders returned to his clinic.

Despite his incredibly stagnant love life, Fenris was impressed with the progress Anders had made in other areas over the last couple of weeks. There had been a third and a fourth sparring session and all of them had left bruised but happy. He wasn’t having trouble getting to sleep and Fenris hadn’t seen the flash of blue as he woke for quite some time now. Nightmares were still a little more common than before but they were dwindling as well.

Anders had taken a few days recently and together with Merrill, had studied his spell books. That’s where he was now while Fenris paced in his frustration. Perhaps a direct, but not quite as direct as what he was beginning to think of as his pirate solution, was what was needed. It needed to be something that would clearly communicate his desires and hopefully be welcomed. His thoughts turned to how he could accomplish this without being too blunt.

The Fog Warriors had taught him that his desires did matter but in some areas Fenris was more comfortable not voicing them. Because of the past abuse both he and Anders had suffered it would probably be better to just talk about it. Fenris still found himself reluctant to do so and that left him with touch. So far he had kept his hands off of certain areas that he wouldn’t want casual contact with. There could still be nothing as crass as groping but perhaps there was a way.

Fenris still hadn’t come up with anything by the time the mage returned. They went about their evening routine and he was still deep in thought. It wasn’t until Anders had sat in front of the fireplace that he chanced upon an idea. Somehow the leather that held his short ponytail had become tangled with his hair.

As he struggled with the knots Fenris sank to the floor and sat behind him on his knees. “Let me help,” said Fenris touching the back of his hands.

“It’s all right,” said Anders. “This happens every once in a while.”

“You will lose less hair if you let me untangle it,” Fenris said examining the knot. “It’s pretty twisted.”

“If you really don’t mind,” he said dropping his hands to his lap.

Silence fell as Fenris carefully worked the leather free. He then began working at the knots in his hair, combing through it with his fingers. Fenris smiled when he noticed the tension gone from the mage’s shoulders. They sat there for a while, the only sound the crackling fire, the only movement Fenris’ hands.

Anders sighed contentedly. “Good food every night, cuddling every morning, intelligent conversation and now grooming…keep spoiling me and I might not want to go back to my clinic.”

“Then don’t,” Fenris said honestly.

He looked over his shoulder, his face almost comically surprised. “Fenris I wasn’t serious,” Anders said softly.

“I am,” he said scooting closer. Anders stiffened for a moment before he relaxed against Fenris. Turning back to the fire Anders rested his head on Fenris’ shoulder. Cautiously he embraced the mage and they remained that way for short period.

“I think I’ve finally figured it out,” the mage said softly. Fenris remained quiet, hoping that he had finally gotten through. “That tone in your voice…its affection, isn’t it.”

“Yes,” said Fenris as Anders pulled out of his embrace and turned to face him.

He scooted forward until their knees touched. His hands reached out hesitantly and Fenris left his resting on his thighs. Anders encountered no resistance when the tips of his fingers reached his cheeks. “All these little things,” he said as his fingers moved across his cheekbones. “I never thought it possible.” One hand moved up, fingers running through his hair and coming to rest at the back of his head. “I didn’t dare hope…shouldn’t want like I do.” His other hand slid down his jaw and followed the lyrium up to his lips. “May I?”

“Yes,” Fenris whispered unsure what he intended and almost terrified that he also didn’t care.

Anders pulled them together, tilting his head slightly and moving the fingers at Fenris’ lips moments before they met. Tentative at first, there and gone before Fenris could respond or protest, so he brought them together again. His hands were back in Anders’ hair holding them steady as he poured weeks of frustration into a kiss. The mage responded with similar fervor but Fenris let him go when he pulled back.

“Who were you dreaming about that morning?” he asked softly.

“You,” Fenris said as he stood, pulling the mage to his feet as well. “I could demonstrate…”

“One question first,” Anders asked his voice turning serious. “What happens after? I’m not the man I used to be…if there’s no chance of…anything more, I’d rather not take that step.”

“There is a good possibility of more,” Fenris said just as seriously. “I’m not entirely sure what…a relationship would entail however.”

He smiled a lopsided grin and led them to the bed. “We can figure that out together then,” he said. “It’s not like I’ve ever had a normal relationship either.” Anders sat on the edge and scooted backwards, bringing Fenris with him so that the elf was straddling his hips.

“I have a question,” Fenris said as he leaned over the prone mage. “What of…him?”

Another lopsided grin crossed his features. “I don’t think you have to worry about Justice showing up. He gets…disgusted…with some of the bodies baser functions. He doesn’t understand this at all. About that demonstration…”

Anders brought him down further and there were no more words until they woke the next morning.


	14. Chapter 14

Anders woke slowly, his mind blessedly blank. He was sort of lying on his side, one arm stretched out beside him, head resting on Fenris’ chest, his other arm slung across the elf’s torso. Their legs weren’t tangled together like they usually were. One of Anders legs was thrown over and bent slightly, resting in between Fenris’ slightly spread legs. Listening to his deep breathing, Anders straightened his leg and scooted his hips closer, wanting more contact. Fenris shifted slightly and he lay still, waiting for him to wake but he settled again. Anders could now feel his arm along his back, his hand sitting lightly on his side.

He snuggled closer still, wishing briefly that this moment would last forever, wanting only to feel this warm body underneath him. Anders lay still and listened to Fenris breath, wishing he could see if the former slave was as peaceful as he seemed. Content for the moment to enjoy every bit of skin he could feel against his own, arse pleasantly sore, with no pressing need to be anywhere, he thought.

Even before he’d been blinded, he hadn’t quite admitted to himself that he wanted this. He hadn’t dared to hope that Fenris would even want him this way. It was enough that the elf didn’t hate him anymore. Anders thought of every moment he’d spent with him since Sundermount and could now see the increasingly affectionate actions.

As he wondered why it had taken him so long to realize, he traced along one of the lyrium brands on his side. He followed the slightly raised and hard scar tissue as it swirled down his hips and back up where it circled his navel. Fenris hummed as his arm slid up his own side slightly.

“Fenris,” Anders said softly as he followed the line back around.

“Hmm?” he rumbled sleepily.

“Have I ever told you these are beautiful?” asked Anders as he followed the brand down to his groin.

“I don’t believe anyone has been brave enough to say that,” Fenris said softly. “They are meant to be pleasing.”

“I hate what they represent,” said Anders lifting himself enough to straddle his hips. He felt hands at his own hips as he leaned forward, one hand supporting his weight on the bed and the other searching. “I wish I could have seen them all.” Anders found his shoulder and followed it to his neck where he paused when Fenris spoke again.

“They have served me well enough,” said Fenris. “If I could be rid of them…”

“I know,” Anders said smiling. “If I knew how to help I would.”

Anders moved his hand to the bed and leaned down slowly. The hands at his hips, pulling them closer together was encouraging. He still paused, so close he could feel Fenris’ breath against his lips, a little surprised by his next words.

“I miss your eyes,” Fenris whispered. “Always so warm…caring…even when you were furious with me…so different from his.”

“Were we heading this way before?” he asked closing his eyes but remaining where he was at.

“Perhaps,” said Fenris thoughtfully. “We are both so very stubborn…”

“Guess we’ll never know,” said Anders smiling. “I plan to enjoy it though.”

Fenris’ only reply was a pleased hum as Anders closed the space between them.

***

Much later, Anders finally made it to his clinic. He’d planned on opening it for a while until it was time to go to the Hanged Man. Instead he found himself sitting at his desk with the dangerous book on top of it. Fenris had complicated his cause and now going through with his plans, if he could convince Hawke to help him, felt more like betrayal than ever before.

The Mage Underground had fallen apart, its members systematically hunted and dealt with by Meredith. There were more sanctions on the Gallows’ mages than ever before and no Viscount to even attempt holding the Knight-Commander at bay. The Chantry did nothing to reign in the chaos that was slowly descending on the city.

If the potion and accompanying spell did what he thought, the Chantry would be his target. It symbolized everything that continually held mages prisoners in the circles. Elthina was a perfect example of how much a mage’s life didn’t matter. Even if she could legally do nothing, the people of the city would listen to her. There were Templars who would listen to her. Yet she did nothing.

He knew this action would very likely lead to his death. There wouldn’t have been quite as much inner debate with Justice if he hadn’t been blinded. Anders had been reluctant before and he still was. There was more to live for now but he simply couldn’t ignore the injustice around him. So he sat at his desk, hands resting on the book, wishing he could see it, wishing for the distance he had kept between him and Fenris, and wishing he didn’t have to involve Hawke.

Anders sighed in resignation. There was just nothing else he could think of. All the time he’d spent getting used to his dark world and learning to defend himself in it, he had searched desperately for another solution. If there was a way to open everyone’s eyes without the destruction then he couldn’t think of it. It had taken him far too long to change one man’s mind peacefully and there were too many elements in Kirkwall working against him.

It would take time to study the book and more time to gather the necessary ingredients. He would spend what time he could to enjoy the happiness Fenris offered, knowing he would probably die with his hand around his heart. He hoped Hawke could convince him of why, and that not all mages were magisters.

Anders turned when he heard the door of his clinic. He turned an ear toward the sound, hearing light footsteps. The smell of oiled leather drifted to him.

“Anders?” Hawke called out softly. “Are you in here?”

“Hello Hawke,” Anders said quietly. “Are you alone?”

“Sure,” he answered sounding a little closer. “Could you light a lantern or something? It’s really dark.”

The lamp that sat above his desk flared to life with a flick of his hand. Anders picked the book up and turned to Hawke with it in his lap.

“I came to tell you that I’m planning another jaunt to the Coast in a few days,” Hawke said cheerfully. “See how many bushes we can burn down.”

Anders smiled slightly but it quickly disappeared. He looked up in the direction where he knew the rogue was and ran his hands over the book in his lap. “Hawke,” he said seriously. “I need your help.”


End file.
